Tangled Cables In My Brain

By Annisa Abhayamudra. Annisa, 16, is a student at Diponegoro University. She lives in South Tangerang, Indonesia.

“In real life, I assure you there is no such thing as algebra.” – Fran Lebowitz

I have never read this quote, actually.

Also, I have never searched for the meaning. But I am assured that this means something bigger than I could imagine.

I have lived on this earth for about sixteen years. I have my parents, sister, and grandmothers. I used to be a naughty kid in school and I spent most of my time playing with friends. Luckily, I am blessed with a good brain so that I could still be first place in class at that time. My friends had many different abilities. I didn’t think that God give humans different abilities when I was a kid. I thought everybody loved maths and sport, but I was wrong.

Day by day, I started to realize my life’s journey. I found love. It was the first time I felt my chest teeming, but he fell in love with another girl. I can barely remember how many boys out there I have fallen in love with but was unrequited. But boys who did care for me? Only a few and I still remember their names.

One day, I realized that love does not give you everything, but money does. I can buy happiness through money. Clothes, food, cars, houses. I loved to dream about what I would become after school finished. I can barely remember how many dreams I dreamt about every day. But which of those dreams came true? None.

A few months ago, I faced new troubles that I had never faced before. I was so desperate and I thought God didn’t answer my prayers anymore. I lost my hope, inspiration, and motivation. What was happening? I didn’t know, until now.

When I was a kid, I made scars on my body. Stitches, bruises, scratches, and cuts. I felt that I wasn’t pretty anymore, not like the other girls who could wear see-through things and put on that sexy vibe. My face is not as soft as silk. My body is not that hourglass. My lips are not as sexy as Swanepoel’s. My BMI is not proportional. I can barely remember those eyes my friends made as a sign of jealousy. The girls that praised me? They were just being nice.

Life is completely abnormal. What is normal? What’s the standard? How many alphabets do we have? How many problems do we have? Are they enough? The experience of living sixteen years on this land hasn’t helped me find the answer. Not everything can be solved. Everything is possible, true, but possible doesn’t mean you get a specific answer.

I need more than twenty-six to have a normal life. I learnt something from school that was so confusing; find the x to solve the equation. Find the missing one from your life, then you will have a happy ending. In fact, it’s not only x, we have y, z, or a. When you have a four equation (according to x, y, z, and a) and substitute it you will find the missing one. Real life? You have more life in different sections, you have more questions. You’re missing uncountable things, you walk into stalemate, you crash.

I went to a maths course every Tuesday and Friday for eight years. I have never received any trophy. I have no clue. What I know is that I worked my ass off for that white paper in order to get points so I can barter it for toys. The problems on that paper they gave me are not all immediately answerable. But they can be found, in just minutes. Life? How many years have you and I have spent trying to find and fix this messy life?

No one knows. You and I can work together to solve algebra, but I can’t solve your life. You and her can work together to solve a new equation of algebra which no human alive has solved before, but she can’t accompany you on Saturday night for only two hours. You and him can work together to make something new, but he can’t help you reconcile with your crush.

I think everything has similarities to each other. I do think everything can be solved. I also think it’s just us who are the ones who fool ourselves.

Get what I mean? That’s awesome; you are as complicated as algebra.

Don’t get what I mean? That’s life.

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