The Deepest Thought

I am walking, walking towards an unknown place. My mind is leading my body into a different world, an escape. I feel so lost inside and I feel that nobody, not even myself, knows who I am anymore. I am drowning in these thoughts and feelings that make me think about the end, the end of my life.

Every day, I see a big, thick fog when I go out walking. I plunge into the unknown, feeling alone and isolated from the world around me.

In this place, there is a big, silvery fog that intimidates me and makes me feel small.

The trees stand boldly. I would love to be like the trees; I would love to be able to stand up for myself and put people down when they are rude to me.

Inside my head, I know what to say, but on the outside, I don’t. I am scared and I retreat into my shell.

I stand looking at the dense, thick fog. It surrounds me and makes me feel so very trapped, just as I am in my skin. I always feel so different from everybody else. Everyone has their thing and I, I am stuck with nothing but my troubled thoughts. Every day, I wish that I could be like somebody else. I wish that I could speak out in public and make friends easily. I suppose I should be happy with the way I am, but I am not. I really hate myself.

I walk towards the denser fog, my thoughts getting worse and worse. I see flashing images in my mind of dreadful things. As I get closer and closer I can see that the fog looms like it is coming to an end, but it’s not. It’s endless.

There is a cliff, a steep cliff that falls away into the ground. I push a stone over the edge and it drops. There isn’t a sound for ages. It must be very deep, like my thoughts.

I wonder if the time is right, if today is the day that I say goodbye to the world around me. I won’t have to worry anymore or feel sad anymore. I will be free.

I stand by the edge of the cliff, looking down upon my destiny. A tear falls down my cheek. It’s warm and comforting. My thoughts change for the first time over this period. They change to my brilliant mum and ever-so-hardworking dad. I think of my brother, who makes me laugh and I think of my grandpa, who makes me feel better when I am feeling down. I cannot bring myself to do this. If I did, it would make me selfish and I would always have a guilty conscience. Every day, I would think about my loving family and how distraught they would be if I was gone.

I slowly move away from the thick fog. As I am moving, it is becoming less dense.

As I come towards the end, I can feel the most magnificent thing beaming down at me. It is the sun, suspended in the deepest, azure-blue sky. I haven’t seen either of these in a very long time.

I walk slowly through the blissful weather. I feel the sun on my face, the warmth spreading through me.   I feel at peace with the world, contented. I know now that with a little help, I can face anything. I don’t need to worry about myself anymore. I have learnt one thing, that the greatest thing is to be happy in your own skin and remember that you are special.