She has the scars to prove it. Her deepest regrets all painted on her fingers; staring up at her through all the pain.
“I never meant for it to happen, it was an accident. Somehow, it did, my aggravation just came over me and I couldn’t hold it in any longer. I knew it would come out somehow. I didn’t think like this.”
The guilt sticks with her, and will until her time has passed. As much as she tries to forget, the guilt just comes back to haunt her like a predator with its prey. Pouncing up at her, never letting her unsee it.
“I still can’t believe I did it! One less push would maybe make this house just that little bit more lively. But not now. Everyday I come out here and I think ‘what would’ve happened if I hadn’t done it.’ I’d have him here next to me, right now. Nudging at my shirt to come play with him. His bright sparkling eyes, shining up at mine, showing how innocent he was. I had to go and wreck it.”
After she did it, she felt instant regret, and couldn’t bare to even look at the damage she had caused. She just kept on walking. Tears filling up inside of her, trying to hold them in. She thought that she was holding everything in and staying strong, when really it was flooding out of her quicker than even a cheetah can run!
“Now every night I cry and cry. I can’t forget about it. I have never recovered and never will. But here’s one nothing I can do now, apart from hope that he’s up there now, living his best life, as I can’t do now.”
She says sorry to the sky, hoping that the whole world can hear her and forgive her. She thinks the hatred of everybody is real, when in fact all they want to do is help, but how can they when she keeps herself to herself. the truth is she could forget it, but she can’t. She doesn’t want to forget about the past. She doesn’t want to think that there wasn’t a little boy; her brother before now. That’s why she holds on to it. She has the scares to show it.
“I will never forget the good times we had, even though the pain pierces through my heart every time I remember it. the nights we spent together and his laugh echoing through these walls I look at everyday. The memories I feel in this house makes it seem so dull now, it’s unbearable to think that my little right-hand man could be here talking to me and telling all his little secrets. It’s to quiet. It’s too much, and I have the scars to prove it.”