Stephen Covey was absolutely correct when he said that “most people don’t listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply”.
I agree with this statement because in this digital age, almost everyone has an opinion and wants to be heard…
“Listen to me!”
“This is what I have to say.”
“My opinion is that…”
Too much noise, too much buzz here and there.
Communication should be a give and take process. The problem with some of us these days is that we want to be heard – or we think we deserve to be heard. We often forget the fact that the other people have an opinion as well and should be listened to and, more importantly, understood.
In conversations, instead of really listening, most of us only ‘hear’ and can’t wait for the speaker to finish talking so that we can reply. We don’t really digest what the person is talking about in our minds; we just want to have our say.
Maybe this is because we just want to speak our minds as soon as possible. If we let the speaker finish, we may forget what we’re about to say. We just don’t want to look as if we don’t have anything to say for fear of looking stupid or not smart enough to have our take on the topic at hand.
I have seen some seasoned journalists and hosts who make this very common mistake when they interview their guests. Instead of making the interview about their guests, it looks as if they’re “competing” with the latter by not letting them finish what they want to say first, and so cut them off mid-sentence with their own ideas.
Not only is this rude, but doing this results in a number of issues:
a) It makes them look as if they’re the “smarter” one between the two of them.
b) It distracts the other person’s train of thought, so they loses track of what they are about to say.
c) Even worse, it turns the attention or “spotlight” onto the host, when it’s supposed to be on the interviewee.
Now, it’s a different matter if the person has “stopped” mid-sentence and has then looked up to the left.
According to Science of People, “when people look up and to the left, they are remembering or recalling something tapping into the memory part of the brain.”
So if you see someone who did just that and you think they are looking for the right words, it’s acceptable to jump in and give the right word (if you think you know what it is) —and they may even thank you for it.
Listen More to Be Likeable
Harvard scholars have revealed that letting people talk about themselves is intrinsically rewarding, the same way that people feel about money, food and sex.
MRIs indicated that the brain sections connected with motivation becomes active when people talk about themselves – even if nobody is listening.
So there’s really no big secret in communication or how to make people like you. Just make them share more about themselves rather than focusing on yourself.
It gives them a more positive recollection of your interaction, making you instantly likeable.
Just by being there, listening and understanding, your presence becomes valuable. Did you ever have someone come to you and say, “it was really nice talking to you”? When all you actually did was simply listen and understand?
Whether in business, friendships or social settings, it’s always the same rule – more about them and less about you.
For example, let’s say you are in a business convention and you want to see some clients along the way.
Look for them.
Let them talk about themselves.
Ask them about their business.
How they get started. You can even ask about any challenges they are facing.
In short, be genuinely interested.
Make the conversation about themselves. It’s like they’re having a session with a new friend or therapist – only they’re getting it for free. They may even be grateful for that.
And try not to talk about yourself – unless they express interest by asking, for example, “so, what do you do?”
If you listen more with the intent to understand, it shows your genuineness – you value their time and their opinion (even if you don’t believe in it) and accordingly you will unearth more about where the person is coming from. This means you can better communicate with them.
In the end, your reply doesn’t matter unless they ask for it. Because usually, it’s all about the other person. Make them the star of the conversation and you’ll be likeable in no time!
Hello guys, feel free to like, comment and share with my entry to the NUHA Foundation Blogging Prizes, 2018!
Thanks in advance 🙂
sure feb i’m going to share your nice thoughts on being instantly likeable!😍
Thanks Day! Appreciated. 😀
Nice one Febs 😉
I totally agree because most people are quick give their power over to their ego instead of their spirit of understanding. The use of love and temperance leads to greater understanding and likeability. Well said Fabrina, and I will take this to heart.
My wife talks alot… giving me alot of practice.
I think she likes me. So i agree with your entry.
Well, she is your wife anyway. So I think that’s natural.
That’s what wives are for. Maybe all she needs is to be listened to. Don’t u think?
nice article feb , it can be a lesson learnt to us.
Hey there. Shared this valuable information!
Likability is directly relative to sale ability. Well done!
I agree with this Cee. If you rElate with other people, you know their problems, you will be able to show them your offer easier. Because you simply listened to what they need.
In the end, it’s easier to get the sale! Great job
Great insight Feb. 😍. And you can sense the sincerity of the person in the way they listens and understands when someone is talking.. Kudos to you Feb.
Thanks AJ. God bless! 😀
Love the insights! Something everyone should think about and practice in today’s digital age 🙂
Thanks Coach Ice ☺
I concur. In this modern digital age, it’s a noisy world in here. Listening becomes a luxury sometimes.
I love this. Same ng principle ni Dale Carnegie which is timelessly effective. 🙂
Thank you Edz. 🙂
Love the content! A must read article for everyone. Congrats Feb! Good luck
Thanks Jaden. 🙂
Nice article!! Very practical and sooo true ! 😊
Thank you Flos
Great article Feb!
Thanks Matt. 🙂
Nice one Sis Feb!! Congratulations! 🙂
Thanks sis Fat! Thanks also for sharing 🙂
Love it Feb.
Personally, I get annoyed when a TV show host don’t even “hear” what the guest is trying to say. I can’t help but think that their show is just for financial gains.
In my freelancing journey, this is one of the lessons I learned first from my mentor John, ” be genuinely interested in the prospect client ” and let them really share their goals, their strategies, their pains and even their dreams. In that way, I can assess better on how I can help them best.
Congrats and goodluck to you.
Thanks Ate Divine! Yes, we popular local hosts like that 😉
Yes, I agree with our Tribe Leader John–gained so much wisdom from him 🙂
I hear you, Divine. It IS SO annoying. Hosts that are self centered. They should answer their own questions themselves.
This is awesome. It made me pause & reflect on my own actions. It’s a good read.
Thanks Chad! 🙂
Sincerity is reflected in someones reaction to a word or group of words…we are human not a robbot.
Thanks for voicing it out, an eye opener indeed.
Thanks Yul! 🙂
Nice article sis feb…congrats feb…
Great article. I totally hear what you are saying. In fact when we listen to understand we can sometimes hear beyond what they are saying to what is not being said which can be really powerful! Thanks for the reminder x
Thanks Marina! 🙂
Awesome read!! I can totally relate.
Great! nice article Love it Feb…😍
Well said Feb. Congratulations!
Being likable…a priceless treasure. It also means empathizing with others. As the lyrics of an 80’s hit song tells us, “Wouldn’t it be good to be on your side…”
Nice article…Congrats sis☺
Nice thought to ponder. Nowadays, we lost our basic communication skills and even forgot to observe good manners, especially in listening. Thanks for the timely reminder, Feb. You are not only beautiful, but a girl with brilliant ideas. Keep on reaching for your stars!
Great article sis Feb, very practical and people-centered. This can be applied to everyone no matter what social status or vocation you belong to. Thank you so much sis!😊☺
Thanks bro Rod!
I learned that the simple tool of “listening” really does go a long way, and still working to improve this very basic skill of interpersonal relationship technique.
Thank you Dareen!
Nice one sis. Communication 101. Indeed, listening is a skill that people should learn and practice. Make it a habit. 😊
Thanks bro 🙂
Great article. A born writer, indeed. Congrats Feb and good luck.
Thanks sis Edith! God bless! 😀
Very nice article Feb, congrats
Nice article Feb….
I was reminded then of what i have heard from one of our speakers in SHDP two weeks ago. He said, ” A self mastered individual, always has the ear to listen with less talk. And when she/he talks, there is wisdom.” And as such, we really do like him/her and even idolize him/her.
this is a nice article te feb 😍 congratulations and God bless 😘
On point Feb!
Nice onr Feb
Sure Feb you can count on me . .its a very likeable thoughts. . !!!
Thanks Nang Cristina!
Very true indeed.
Great article! Such good points. It’s so valuable to actually listen for a change.
a nice article and inspired me a lot…thumbs up to the WRITER..
This is true. What a nice article. Kudos to you Febrina.
An eye opener as I have to admit that I’m often times guilty of this.
Nice one Feb!
I agree with the main point – to really focus on the person we are with, not half listen and half prepare what we will say. However, I if we listen to people not because we value them but so that we will be liked, perhaps we are being self-centered??
Hello Sis Feb,
Nice Article! Good luck and God speed.. 🙂
Great article! The content is really good. Loved it Sis! Looking forward for your next article. God bless you always.
Beautifully written.. thanks for the writer who reminds us that listening is the most meaningful part of communication 🙂
I totally agree with the article. Thanks for sharing, Feb.
True! Good job, Feb! 🙂
Very Good Job Cuz! I agree with you!
Good luck & God bless.
Well done…Feb…congrats !!!
Good point Feb.
Thanks for Sharing! Your inputs will be recognize soon.
Great article Feb! Being genuine nowadays can be a challenge. Being likeable? Even greater. Thanks for the reminder!
But I think it’s just normal for people do that like that, right? We all think about ourselves, it’s human nature, I guess.
You are right on that. But what the writer is trying to point out is the value of really listening instead of just hearing. That some people simply listen to reply. Get it? 🙂
Thumbs up Feb
It’s a great piece, Febrina.
However, that part when you said,
“it was really nice talking to you”? When all you actually did was simply listen and understand?”
I would be more appreciative if aside from listening, you will also give more inputs and content because I am also interested in what you want to say…
That’s just my 2 cents…
You got a point there, Leigh. But what she means by this write up is that “just the mere act of listening” can go a long way.
I mean personally, even if you’re there taking time to listen to me even if you don’t need to talk a lot, that’s a huge deal.
I was looking all over for what it is or how it is to be likeable. It turned out that it’s all about listening… I thought there’s another real strategy
Yes She-Ann, I agree with the writer. there’s really no huge secret. It’s all about listening and paying attention.
Did you notice that if someone gave you their undivided attention, it’s as if you have their ‘whole world’?
Well, not reall “THE WHOLE WORLD” I have to disagree with that Pam, but maybe just enough to make you feel special even with just a few minutes
I respect your opinion, Jesse.
But that’s also my own take on the matter.
It’s because I have personally experienced this. Once in my life I was down and out and there’s someone who made me felt that way…
I love the simplicity yet sensibility of this article.
Others write too complexly with too much gibberish.
I love simple prose like this one but illuminate with so much meaning.
Hope you win!
Listening…it’s so simple yet so underused and underrated.
Thank you for this gem of a piece. Though I agree with this, I think it’s worth to add that really listening mindfully is even better–being in the present. Good job.
Well, this is a good post, insightful.
But, for those journalists or hosts that cut their interviewees while they’re still talking, could it be that they also have something good to butt in?
John, I get what you mean.
But still, since they’re the hosts, why can’t they wait till their interviewers are finished before they’ll have their say? Right?
I agree with you, Ian.
Since they’re the hosts and control tehir show, why not give the spotlight to their guests, like the writer said?
They can always have their time to shine after the guests are gone. Duh
Hmmm. interesting piece. I didn’t know that to be isntantly likable is simply to listen. Cool
Yup, and I just knew now that listening is “letting people talk about themselves is intrinsically rewarding, the same way that people feel about money, food and sex.”
So basically, you’re saying that listening can be classified in the same category of one’s basic needs?
Maybe not really as a “basic need”, but just as important…because truly, would you rather have someone listening to you, or yapping nonstop telling you what to do always?
This is so true! As an introvert, I have found this to be an effective tool for me to strike up a conversation when I’m nervous. If I ask a ton of questions and genuinely care about what they say, it always goes well and I have also formed a great new relationship! Thanks for sharing.
Well, LaChelle, I’m an introvert too!
This is such an eye-opening piece. That to listen is having a huge power because people loves listeners more than talkers and I think I’m on the right track. LOL
WELL, TALK IS CHEAP! For me anyway, no offense to the extroverts out there, but listening has a lot of sense with today’s chatter everywhere. That’s why I love this piece. It gives enlightenment for introverts like me…and you that we have a place in this world.
Sorry for the caps lock
Well talk is not cheap, my friend. It’s just how you balance things. It’s not good if you don’t speak at all. Just striking a balance is ok.
This is a good piece. Thanks for this. For awhile, I thought that being likeable is all about to be super sociable and to talk lots and make freinds as much as you can, adjust to them, blah bla,.. but this article proves the opposite. that being yourself like being me the introvert can be liked by others by listening.
It’s a refreshing take on how to be well liked. I agree with above statement. That you don;t have to be pretentious to be liked by others.
But still, it’s also good if you can offer some inputs–that’s just my opinion.
There’s a huge difference between hearing and listening. It’s just quite selfish to “hear” just so you can be heard yourself.
As the article says, communication should be a 2-way process. there must be give and take. And not only 1 party is giving and taking. Good.
A lot here talks about being iintroverts. But personally, I think whether you are introvert, extrovert, ambivert or whatever your personality is, listening is a universal need.
I can in fact tell if someone is just wanting to have their say or truly inetrested in me…
Really Louise? How? By the way, nice article
It requires a lot of discipline to simply listen and not talk.
I second that. But you can’t really blame this selfie generation, esp the Millennials. They just say what they want to say…
I think it’s unfair to really pinpoint singular;ly on the Millenials. It’s not our fault that we were born on this generation.
It’s on the person’s attitude and habits.
I think there’s nothing wrong with talking as long as you’re able to strike a balance with value listening. We all value good opinions anyway
For me generally, it’s not just on the Millenials. Anyone living on this day and age–we are all may be susceptible to these trappings of social media and wnating to voice your opinion–good or bad.