What is sacrifice you ask me.
Oh, how I know so well already.
Is sacrifice not but giving up desires because life circumstances are not favorable enough?
I have put my unborn child on that boat to a place I’ve never been because the land I live on has become my hell.
I have loved this being so immensely within my heart, spirit and soul that I have allowed them to remain nameless and unseen in the hope of a better reality; floating down a river I’ve yet to see.
I have placed my child on that boat because I do not have the resources to foster and support their existence. Society only talks about the sacrifices that are visible but what about the ones that remain unseen by the eyes?
The ones that tear us apart so deeply within; the ones that never see the light.
These are the sacrifices that are made even before they can ever come to be.
Oh, how I know that sacrifice all too well.
I have already given up the notion of motherhood though my heart desires it.
I know my current life circumstances are not enough to support a child’s existence and well-being.
They are not enough to allow my child to thrive and function in this world.
They are not enough to offer opportunity with the comfort and ease that my baby deserves.
And my love for my child will not allow me to bring them into this land that has become my throbbing hell.
My love is what keeps them at bay; never to be seen; never to be conceived.
Why is it I am sacrificing you ask me.
I sacrifice because I do not have the monetary means, the resources, nor the support system to support my child nor myself, and it is not a burden I believe any child should face.
My own existence has cost me so much grief.
And I often wonder if my parents considered the price their circumstances would have on me.
If mine did not, I wish they would have sat down and thought that maybe it would be too much of a burden for me.
That maybe I would not be one of the lucky ones who could pull myself up to be free.
I understand the desire to want and bear children, truly I do. For I desire it myself.
But the cost of such a life, of such an unfair existence far outweighs my desire to bring forth children.
I want yet I do not have the means, but still I can have if I choose to do so. It is the most conflicting predicament one can be in.
My sacrifice of not meeting my child is the highest action of love,
understanding and kindness that I could ever bestow onto them.
It is the only gift I could afford to give them.
I am the mother of an nonexistent being, floating in an abyss of a beautiful dream, while I remain in a nightmare of cuts and bruises.
But no one will know about this sacrifice I have made and
the dreams and desires I have given up.
No one will know about the price I have paid for being born into an unfortunate existence where everything is a constant struggle to meet my basic needs.
No one knows how much it has cost me to give up the notion of ever being a mother.
Nobody talks about this side of motherhood.
The side that have given up children even before they ever are.
The world will view me as a childless woman, without knowing about the sacrifices I have made for my unborn children whom I refuse to meet and bring forth into my hell.
So, yes, I have put my babies on that boat. I know what that means all too well.