Golden Middle

By Tamara Avshalumova. Tamara, 35, is from Baltimore (USA). Please read her article and leave your thoughts and comments below.

“If there’s no conflict, there are no stories worth telling-or reading.”- Veronica Roth.

It seems that human beings tend to hope and search for perfection, to look for the one key opening all the doors. However, life has many shades of grey. We, people, are intricate and interconnected. We all wish to create a perfect environment, peaceful and war-free, to leave for future generations. It seems impossible so far because we are treating the issues on the surface, going no further, when the issue is at the heart.

As a child, I imagined a world where people live in a beautiful park — like communities — using only self-made cars, growing fruits on trees and seeing smiles all around. Well, and then I grew up. Now as a social worker I witness a lot of depression, sadness, self-hate, destruction and sad illusions. But bless our hearts it does not stop us from trying to be better.

In college, I majored in religion and psychology. I wanted to see how people worshipped gods, how they have reached Him or them, if they have. Why do some people have a desire to know more about life. Not to receive more, but to discover the Ultimate Truth. After years of searching I have no singular answer. I have learnt that just being here, in this very rolling chair in the now with your power and strength, with no lies to yourself and your will and courage to take one more step and another is all I really have. It is okay to feel broken. It is okay to cry and even hate God, to question him or no longer believe in him. But after the storm has passed you should stand up tall and meet the new person you have become. A person with a broader vision and a bigger heart. Even in total chaos, have your direction in front of yourself. Even in total darkness with nothing but fear that envelops and holds us tight, it is a momentary vacuum. It is a still space in time where we can choose how and where we go on. Everyone is going through their own personal hell, swimming through the ocean of darkness. But it all ends and we come out with more . . . we have the power to decide what that ‘more’ is.

We try to instill in our children, like our parents instilled into us the ‘good’ qualities. Be good to your sister, say hello to your neighbor, let the elders sit on the bus, don’t push small children, don’t yell at your parents. The list goes on. But no one tells you how to conquer your ‘bad’ sides. Searching and destroying does not work. But we can dissect each trait and dig deeper by asking why and why again no matter how much it hurts until nothing concrete is left. In that emptiness, new energies begin to create new emotions on a different level. And if you let it, if you remove the bitter years from your heart then it becomes filled with light.

There is always a conflict. In the world where everything has two sides, it is almost impossible to avoid conflict. I personally go from one extreme to another so quickly it makes my head spin. I got so used to living on roller coaster rides that I just laugh now.

I had to meditate and use deep breathing techniques during sessions with some clients. Seeing the depth of people’s suffering allows you to understand that it is not in your power to save everyone nor give them a will to live but you will certainly try your best. Life gets very messy but each finds out how to reach some sense of peace to go on. Slowly and painfully, old walls get broken and new worlds are built inside. And that transformation is what I call life.

Connecting with one another after reaching both extremes, in the middle, is the end result. The desire to become one with other humans is the only thing that can end the conflict. Until then, conflict is the tension that makes us continue this painfully beautiful journey as we grow to understand our soul.



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