The only one that walks beside me is my dream

By Boglàrka Szigeti. Boglàrka is a freelance writer and linguist, from Magyarföld, Hungary. Please read her article and leave your thoughts and comments below.

Hello! I’m writing this story to you, and I have no idea who you are, what you are. I have no idea how this story will finish. The only thing I know is that the only one that walks beside me is my dream.

***

My mum has a powerful personality. She is dominant, goal-oriented, and also brilliant. She taught me many handy skills to survive this life. She taught me how to survive, but she ignored focusing on how to live a happy life.

‘When you were born, light broke into the labour room.’ 

She was convinced that I was someone special, and I would achieve great goals in my life. She even risked proclaiming that I would have a mission, and I would bring something significant to humanity. Because she saw a light. In the labour room. And in my character.

I liked participating in competitions (more acting competitions than writing), and many times I failed. It was a terrible feeling.

When I felt fragile and vulnerable, she always consoled me. She said: ‘Stand up, my brave daughter!’ And I stood up.

She has never said that my whole life would have to be a big competition, but she was preparing me in her own way. I developed a strong, goal-oriented personality. I believed I was brilliant, just like her.

Is this what I was? Or did my mum create me in her own image?

I had my own experiences independently from her as well. I’m trying to remember how I was by removing all the layers I picked up from her.

Once I loved someone whom I shouldn’t love. Why shouldn’t I? Simply because he caused me a lot of harm both physically, and emotionally. I remember being weak, doubtful, and despairing. He represented competition to me in the beginning. Someone whom I had to convince about my winning skills. Someone who broke me, who made me fragile and vulnerable.

So what? I should have stood up as my mother taught me, right?

I failed. Nobody ran to pick up my broken parts. I was already an adult, or it would be better to say, I was supposed to be an adult. Did I behave like a mature person? Not at all!

We had lots of plans for the future, or perhaps I thought we had them. (Reflecting on the past can help you understand your faults and how to correct them. This is what is happening to me right now!) I had all those plans about our future house, his career, my career, opening a business, children. I didn’t realize even one! Why? Because even though my significant other believed in my capacities, he reacted with anger when I tried to show my real values.

I was sitting down on the floor of my room and crying. I went on like this for years.

‘Stand up, my brave daughter!’ ‘When you were born, light broke into the labour room.’  

My personality changed. I became a broken reed with no plans. I became a person who gave up on goals and missions, ‘competitions’, and was disabled to exist! Where was my determined and energetic force?

Was I this person from the depths of my soul?

I don’t think so. I developed unhealthy attributes under unhealthy circumstances.

So what if I am in a healthy condition? Let’s say, standard, normal, no Hollywoodian situation? I mean, when nobody thinks you are special and nobody treats you like a brainless worm?

Do you know what happens? The tragedy of dreams.

I was subconsciously aware (if this combination of words is possible at all) of the reason for being suppressed and quitting my dreams during my relationship with my ex. He was envious of my ambition and the powerful way I wanted to go ahead. His means to silence me was making me feel like a worm. But you know, when a bad dog wants to show his teeth, you perceive it as a smile. I knew I deserved more.

I knew I had a dream. I knew I had to do something big!

I met the third character-changing living soul. This final influencer guy is very special to me. Though I will tell things here, I don’t want him to see. (The funny thing is I want none of my personality influencers to see this text because all this info is supposed to be top secret! And what am I doing? Telling the whole world!)

He is tender, kind, warm. Perfect.

I am not perfect. Let me say I have a lot of flaws. I am angry, inpatient, sad, and happy, unbalanced, rebellious, mad, passionate, turbulent. In brief, hard to get along with. He is the opposite. And I love him more than anything else. He is now my husband.

Why am I telling this? Because now I am a new person. He made me ponder on my past issues, helped me calm down, assisted me in walking the road of self-analysis, forced me to reason before acting. He created a mature person from pieces of aggressive immaturity.

He created me in his own image.

Who am I? What am I?

‘When you were born, light broke into the labour room.’ 

I am a mature, conscious, reasoning person now. I don’t believe I have anything in particular to give to the world. I believe I have to live a ‘healthy,’ standard life like go to work for eight hours to a company, go home, spend time with my family, sleep and do everything just like I did yesterday. I am calmer, more harmonious.

Happier?

‘When you were born, light broke into the labour room.’ 

My personality has changed. I will never be able to answer the question of what I am exactly. I can describe myself with a long list of adjectives if needed, but those are definitely not what I am because those are true only at the moment. I am what I want to become.

I have a dream. I don’t know if it’s because my mum believed I would do something big. It’s not really important! It already is part of my personality. Maybe this is the only consistent thing that sees through me during life.

“I don’t feel that it is necessary to know exactly what I am. The main interest in life and work is to become someone else that you were not in the beginning.” – Michel Foucault.

The tragedy of dreams is that you can never know whether you will realize them. You may continuously seek something unreachable. At some point, you may be tempted to give up and live an ordinary grey life. You may even be right to do that. Who knows? Nobody. This is the point!

Your dreams may come true or in the same way they may not. But during the hunt for your calling, you invariably become someone else that you were not in the beginning.

***

I had no idea how this story would have finished at the start. And I am happy to have discovered as it went along.

Do you know what you are? What is your story?

14 comments on “The only one that walks beside me is my dream

  1. Nelson García on

    Very touching and personal.
    I think part of your dream is filled with your new understanding partner who loves you and values you.
    Keep writing, keep dreaming and pursuing your dreams. Excellent.

    Reply
  2. Shariz Uzfar on

    Extremely inspiring and a brilliantly crafted article reflecting your path towards triumph from adversity. Keep going strong.

    Reply

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